I can’t believe it has been a week. A week of being apart. Of not being there for her. Of not talking.
She did text me this morning reminding me of a wedding I need to RSVP for. She also asked how I was doing. It was weird trying to rehash my week as if she hadn’t heard already. I wanted to ask all about her week, her weekend. About if she has enough support around her since I am no longer there.
It was hard trying not to explode into a thousand questions. I am not her boyfriend anymore. I do not get that privilege. I liked hearing about her week but I don’t know if it helped either of us. For a split second I felt like I have the past couple years which is probably not going to help me disconnect from her. I hate saying that. I don’t want to disconnect from her. But this was decided as the best thing for us so I must press on.
I still don’t tell people that we have broken up. Only my two new roommates know. When people ask when she is coming out or how we are doing I just answer the question and don’t bring up the fact that we aren’t together anymore. I still refer to her as my girlfriend when people ask about things. As in “why did you move to KY?”, and I’ll still respond “My girlfriend started going to school out there”. Which I guess if you are placing it in the past it would still be correct. As if i had moved out to Ky for an ex girlfriend that would be very creepy. But I really do it so that I don’t have to talk about it. It is still too raw. The only people I feel bad about are my family. They ask about her and I know they genuinely care but they are also the ones who would then ask the most questions. So for now I will keep it to myself.
First time in the field with my new job. The accommodations are nice. I want to show her where I am. I would normally talk with her before bed. It is weird being up here and not sharing it with her. There are a lot more things here that remind me of her. She would always send me care packages and I have all those here with me now.
Finally slept in a bed, even if only a blowup one. I also got to sleep in which was good. Woke up and got a report out for work and headed into town for lunch and a haircut.
For the first time since getting here I think I felt a twinge of feeling at home. There was a little traffic and so I happened to stop on the bridge over the main creek. It was running quite high and I dont really know what it was but I just felt this calmness or something similar that reminded me of home. It was a nice feeling. I think one of the first I have had all week.
I then got to have a breakfast burrito from my favorite place. I didn’t eat anything all morning just so I could have it. And it was soo good. After that I got my haircut and a shave. I normally dont pay for shaves as I have my own straight razor at home but about once a year I treat myself to it. It was really relaxing and was nice to get cleaned up some.
After that I went and saw Godzilla with a friend. I didn’t think it was that good but it also wasnt horrible. Kinda meh like most my week has been.
Overall it was a pretty good day. I still had plenty reminding me of her. I drove by the pumpkin patch we would go to every fall. The burrito place and our favorite burger place are right across from each other. I miss her. I love her. I think I will always love her which just makes everything so much harder. I don’t like hurting others, especially the ones I love. I missed even just having her in the car while doing errands. I want to call her. See how she is doing. How did the bachelorette party go? I miss hearing about her day. And I don’t really know what to do about it.
Office has off every other friday. Got to sleep in a little. Some paperwork to do from home.
Signed a lease today. Will be living with some friends from college. I think that will be good for me. It doesnt feel like home though. Not like our place did when we moved in. At least now I don’t have to feel so bad about staying here.
Went up to the local casino and did some gambling with one of the roommates who also had off today. I remember bringing her there last time. It reminded me of all the good times we had in Vegas. And most recently the casino we went to two days before I left.
Had to go downtown to do my drug screen. I almost forgot with everything going on this week. I was wearing my jeans which I havent worn since leaving. At the clinic you have to empty your pockets when you go to give the sample. In the back I found the tickets to the Princess Dianna exhibit we went to and the voucher I saved from our trip to the casino. She is entwined in everything and I can’t decide if I like all the reminders or not.
Earlier this week I was talking with HR and she told me the company handles phones differently then my last job. At my new job they will buy your phone and pay for the plan. At then end you still get to keep the phone. I thought this was very weird for the company to pay for the phone and keep it so I clarified that the company will pay for the phone. She said yes and that you buy it and expense it back to the company. Long story short, I was really excited that I would get to upgrade to the new galaxy S5 but found out that they actually won’t pay for it and I “misunderstood” the HR person (they only pay for the plans). This kind of thing really pisses me off at companies. If I hadn’t found out till later I would have been stuck with the bill.
Well as my day was just getting worse I just wandered around the store for a bit much like a few days ago at walmart. When I finally left I was quite hungry and seeing a Qdoba I quickly checked my weight watchers app to see how many points a burrito would be and if I had enough points left in the day. It was quite a lot of points (as expected) but since I hadn’t eaten much earlier to treat myself at dinner I had enough. I have never seen a smaller burrito made (or at chipotle).. It was yet just another disappointment for the day.
Then of course I was browsing facebook when I came across this youTube video that just screamed Theresa so much (its about the market dividing things up for girls in pink and boys in blue) that I had actually copied the URL and was headed to gmail to email her the link. Why can’t I send her links I think she will like? Is that giving off too friendly and comfortable an association? I don’t like it.
It is weird that 4 days have gone by. I dont think it has really hit me yet. It feels more still like it normally does when I leave for my hitch, my brain hasn’t fully realized the truth. I think subconsciously I am either lonely or sad and that I get little glimpses of that during the day.
Realized my weather app was still set to my old home.. yet another weird feeling of leaving my life behind, of wandering..
I got up to go to lunch today and as I picked up my phone my instinct was to think “oh I need to text her”, it is weird the small habits you form.
Why does our culture press the need to be with someone else? I don’t feel like being with anyone or doing anything. I hope I can just dig into these next two weeks in the field and try not to think about it. At least it should keep me busy..
Still sitting in the office and the energy saving set of lights have gone off.. guess I should go at some point.
Drove by her college she graduated from on the way home. I’m so proud of her. She was so excited that day. The only physical picture I have of her is from that day.
I hope she is well.
Yesterday I went to our old mall to pick up some more clothes. She always helped me pick things out. I can never tell if anything looks good. Was going to go to a movie but didn’t find anything worth watching. She didn’t like going to movies as much as I did but we always had fun.
In wal-mart I just ended up wandering around for a while. Didnt have anything to do or anywhere to be.
I seem to bounce between being in a daze or completely focused into something.
Today has been going pretty well. Work is keeping me busy which has helped. I need to find somewhere to live and eventually move everything.
Lunch I passed by one of her favorite downtown restaurants. I remember parking her car near and my phone dying. She was impressed I knew her number by memory to call from the restaurant phone.
She would probably hate my new job even more then the old. At this point the schedule is so up in the air. She would never like the uncertainty.
She wanted to see me on my first day of work. I wish she could have been here. I took a picture so maybe some day she can see.
I hate posting selfies.
It is weird to think that I am alone, I didn’t lose my girlfriend, I lost my best friend.
I can’t imagine how she feels living in the home we built together. Everything would remind me of her. At least here I am away from it all and it is easier to ignore those reminders.
Who will be my forever partner in LoL? It is more enjoyable with a friend. The victories aren’t as sweet alone.
I keep getting thoughts about what I will tell her of my first day. I know she wanted to hear about it. It has been a good day and has gone by fast. Most of the day was taken up by setting up my computer. And it is a good one! I was so worried I would have to buy a new one for myself.
She won’t be there to pick me up at the airport.
I promised to write her a letter, and I will.
I didn’t make the bed for her when I left.
I hope she is alright. That she has support for her now.
I want to cry. To let the pain out. But I can’t.
Day one has been a weird mix of conflicted feelings. Both about our relationship and about moving in general. It is weird to think that I have left that home, that life, my girl all behind. It still feels like it always does when I leave. That I will be back soon once work is done. I am not sure why but it hit me the most right when the plane started moving away from the gate. That this is more or less forever. A one way ticket.
I hate seeing her in pain. This was the most pain I have ever in my life caused another human being. I have lived my entire life up to this point trying to serve others, to ease their pain even if it increases mine. This has all been against my very being. I think that is what is most confusing right now, that I am acting opposite my life purpose.