Tag Archives: field

First Departure – Day Eight

I can’t believe it has been a week. A week of being apart. Of not being there for her. Of not talking.

She did text me this morning reminding me of a wedding I need to RSVP for. She also asked how I was doing. It was weird trying to rehash my week as if she hadn’t heard already. I wanted to ask all about her week, her weekend. About if she has enough support around her since I am no longer there.

It was hard trying not to explode into a thousand questions. I am not her boyfriend anymore. I do not get that privilege. I liked hearing about her week but I don’t know if it helped either of us. For a split second I felt like I have the past couple years which is probably not going to help me disconnect from her. I hate saying that. I don’t want to disconnect from her. But this was decided as the best thing for us so I must press on.

I still don’t tell people that we have broken up. Only my two new roommates know. When people ask when she is coming out or how we are doing I just answer the question and don’t bring up the fact that we aren’t together anymore. I still refer to her as my girlfriend when people ask about things. As in “why did you move to KY?”, and I’ll still respond “My girlfriend started going to school out there”. Which I guess if you are placing it in the past it would still be correct. As if i had moved out to Ky for an ex girlfriend that would be very creepy. But I really do it so that I don’t have to talk about it. It is still too raw. The only people I feel bad about are my family. They ask about her and I know they genuinely care but they are also the ones who would then ask the most questions. So for now I will keep it to myself.

First time in the field with my new job. The accommodations are nice. I want to show her where I am. I would normally talk with her before bed. It is weird being up here and not sharing it with her. There are a lot more things here that remind me of her. She would always send me care packages and I have all those here with me now.

First Departure – Day Four

It is weird that 4 days have gone by. I dont think it has really hit me yet. It feels more still like it normally does when I leave for my hitch, my brain hasn’t fully realized the truth. I think subconsciously I am either lonely or sad and that I get little glimpses of that during the day.
Realized my weather app was still set to my old home.. yet another weird feeling of leaving my life behind, of wandering..
I got up to go to lunch today and as I picked up my phone my instinct was to think “oh I need to text her”, it is weird the small habits you form.

Why does our culture press the need to be with someone else? I don’t feel like being with anyone or doing anything. I hope I can just dig into these next two weeks in the field and try not to think about it. At least it should keep me busy..

Still sitting in the office and the energy saving set of lights have gone off.. guess I should go at some point.

Drove by her college she graduated from on the way home. I’m so proud of her. She was so excited that day. The only physical picture I have of her is from that day.
I hope she is well.